The art to speak and the ability to behave with people, according to Dale Carnegie, are the basis for your success. Oratory will give you confidence, and properly built relationships with people will help you not only in everyday life but also in business.
Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends & Influence People explains how to develop these skills. But throughout the book, the author emphasizes the idea that when using his techniques, you should be guided only by honest and sincere intentions.
At the beginning of the book, Dale Carnegie gives 9 tips on how to get the most out of reading How to Win Friends & Influence People. Here they are.
- Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human relations.
- Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
- As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply each suggestion.
- Underscore each important idea.
- Review this book each month.
- Apply these principles at every opportunity. Use this volume as a working handbook to help you solve your daily problems.
- Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.
- Check up each week on the progress you are making. Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvements, what lessons you have learned for the future.
- Keep notes showing how and when you have applied these principles.
In the first part of the book, the author describes three fundamental techniques in handling people
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
When you criticize a person, you force them to defend themselves. Each person almost always believes that he is right. Criticism destroys, not builds. Therefore, the best tactic is to try to understand the person why he thinks or does so.
Give honest and sincere appreciation
If you want a person to do what you need them to do, then the best tactic is to make them want to do it, to offer them what they want. For each person, the main thing is the desire for a feeling of importance. It is necessary to recognize the value of a person and encourage him, but do not confuse this with empty flattery you must be sincere in your appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want
People are interested, first of all, in solving their problems. So another tactic of influencing a person is to focus on their desires and show them how to achieve them. The author advises you to acquire a tendency to always look at things from the point of view of the person you want to influence.
After three principles of successful communication with people, Dale Carnegie in the second part of the book describes six ways to make people like you
Become genuinely interested in other people
Following this principle, to make friends, you need to be attentive to others, do not forget to congratulate them on holidays or special dates, also your feelings should be sincere, you should make efforts and energy so that people feel real interest from you.
You must remember that the concept of happiness is relative. Each person understands it in their way. Happiness depends on your inner state, not on external conditions. What you have, or who you are, or where you are, does not make you happy or unhappy. What makes you so is what you think about it. The author advises you to meet people with joy if you want them to be happy to meet you.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
One of the simplest but at the same time effective and important ways to attract people to your side is to remember names and the ability to make a person feel important.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to become a good listener because people like to talk only about themselves and their needs. It is necessary to show sincere and unflagging attention to the speaker, and you will be able to win over the person.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Another easy way to reach a person’s heart is to talk to them about the subjects closest to their heart.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely
Every person in some way feels superior to you. Therefore, to win him over, you need to let him know that you recognize and sincerely acknowledge his importance. Dale Carnegie recommends that you always act in a way that gives the other person the impression of being important.
In the third part of the book How to Win Friends & Influence People, the author lists twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Dale Carnegie states that the best outcome in an argument is to avoid an argument. You will not be able to achieve what you want with the help of an argument, even if you win it. Such a victory will not bring you any benefit. To resolve the issue, it is better to use diplomacy and a sincere desire to understand the other person’s point of view.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong”
Never tell people directly that they are wrong or that you are smarter than them, as this will cause them to feel a sense of protest and a desire to fight with you.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
When you have made a mistake, the best way to get out of this situation is to admit your mistake before someone can blame you. This tactic will disarm your opponent.
Begin in a friendly way
If you want to attract someone to your side, first convince them that you are their sincere friend.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
When entering into a conversation, do not start it with those questions on which you disagree with your interlocutor. On the contrary, from the very beginning of the conversation, ask those questions on which you have a common point of view. From the beginning make him say “Yes, yes”. With this approach, you can set up your interlocutor for a positive reaction.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
It is necessary to remember that all people, even our friends, like to talk about themselves and their achievements more than to listen to us talk about our own. So let your interlocutor speak, he knows his business and his problems better than you do.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
No one likes to know that they have been forced to make or buy something. Therefore, it is worth suggesting to people that this is their idea.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Even if you are sure that the other person is wrong, then do not immediately condemn him or denounce him, try to understand this person, put yourself in his place. Every person does or thinks in one way or another for certain reasons. Try to find out these reasons.
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
Dale Carnegie offers a magic phrase that will help you stop arguing: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” Do not judge an irritated person for being what he is. The best tactic is to sympathize with this person.
Appeal to the nobler motives
For all their actions, each person has, in his opinion, a real and noble reason. Therefore, if you want to influence people, turn to their noble motives.
Dramatise your ideas
You must use the staging. Your actions should be lively, interesting, and dramatic.
Throw down a challenge
The opportunity to prove superiority, win, the desire to surpass, the desire to feel important are all the qualities of people that you can challenge to sway them to your point of view.
The fourth part of the book describes 9 ways to be a leader
The job of a leader often involves changing the attitudes and behaviors of your people. Dale Carnegie tells the principles for achieving this goal, so as not to cause offense and not to arouse resentment.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
If you are the first to admit that you also made a mistake, then it will be easier for a person to accept that he is not sinless.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
No one likes a commanding tone.
Let the other person save face
Don’t humiliate other people.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
If you want to get a person to show some quality, behave as if this quality is already his distinctive feature. And it is very useful to give publicly to another person the virtue that you want to develop in him.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Don’t skimp on praise. Let the person feel that you are quite confident in their ability to cope with the task assigned to them.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Although Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends & Influence People was written many years ago, the main principles set out in it are still relevant to this day, as they relate to the psychology of people. Use them wisely.
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